So I’m starting to get really scared. We were talking in the car trips the other day about the social aspects of weight loss surgery. It started me thinking.
Most of my friends are obese or struggle with weight. Most of our gatherings center around food. When I was training for my half marathon I constantly had to tell theater people that I couldn’t go out on a Friday night due to Saturday morning training runs. I often got a lot of flack for it. Now I’m sitting here facing that all again. Flack for not going out drinking, not eating casually, not having soda. Having to make very calculated choices and I don’t want to become the person that is a burden to plan around in regards to food. I also, don’t want to feel left out because I can’t really eat the same things or enjoy them in a manner of excess like my friends can.
I know in some friendships it will cause a divide and I know the adage of true friends will understand but I’m not 100% worried about those friendships. I’m worried about how to face the masses of acquaintances. The ones who will think I’m doing this to be skinny. I can’t explain my brain issue and my weight loss surgery reasons in a quick 2 minute funny quip. So I’m just getting more scared. I have a hard time talking to others about exactly how scared I am.
I remember when I first thought about surgery I had said something puzzling. I said I was afraid you wouldn’t care about me if I had surgery. Let me unpack that. I knew that in your own way you fell in like with me when I was heavier. I was afraid (and still am to a certain degree) that if I lost all this weight, that I’d loose the way you once saw me.
What if you don’t like me after surgery? What if I’m too much trouble? I know you’re thinking I’m silly. I’m just scared and it’s hard to calm my fears down. If I talk about them or face them it is better for me. So I’m telling you all of this so you know what I am afraid of. In hopes of you finding a way of your own to reassure me that I am being silly. I know the food stuff that is scary is just for 6 weeks and I know I don’t want to just avoid social get togethers because that will make my head think that I’m losing people. I am just really starting to get scared about what if I fail and I can’t do this and I just become a different type of sick. Instead of healthy, active and confident.