What’s that?

I’ve had tinnitus for ages. That constant ringing in the ear. High pitched enough to throw off singing. Mix that with like the low dull tone that a speaker gives out when there is scilence. That’s what has been going on today. It’s been so bad today because it’s like the sounds and pressure are trying to find a way out. Which is a good thing, even though it’s quite annoying. 

Why is it a good thing? Because it might mean that the high pressure surrounding my brain may be receding. It means everything might be successful. 

Lately I’ve been dizzy and lightheaded. Each time I try to increase my water or protein intake in hopes that it will take away the lightheaded feeling. 

Once again it’s been two full days. Work. School. Rehearsal. I’m exhausted. Tonight I’m going to try swallowing my evening meds. I think not taking my sleeping medication has had an effect on me. That whole not going into REM sleep thing, it’s kind of a bitch. We’ll see what happens. 


Strength and exhaustion 

My first week back at work was only a four day work week. I made it through 2.5 days of that work week. 

I know that part of the exhaustion is from not getting enough protein yet. It’s also probably from not taking my amitryptiline. The medicine that puts my brain into REM sleep. Without it, I rest and sleep but it’s never restorative.

Why am I not taking my meds? That’s because each time I crush them up and attempt to swallow, I gag and spit them back up. Eventually soon I’ll be able to just swallow pills again but I’m stuck in this weird area. 

So it leaves me exhausted. 

I’ve always been one to push myself. To try and heal quickly or get back to a routine. I rested for 6 weeks back in March. I really don’t want to have to rest an entire month again.

I’ve signed up for some 5k’s and joined a running group. I know the first night will be a lot of walking. So will the second week. At the third week I’ll still miss the gathering but I’ll be able to run. 

I planned a perfect storm. Show. Surgery. School. Work. It’s all a little rocky, along with some of my friendships. I just need it all to settle down. Fall in place and create a routine.

I’ve got a lot weighing on me that I haven’t figured how to navigate. I guess while I try to do that it isn’t weakness to take a little nap. 


New non-scale goals

My first 5k back in 2010 took me 53 minutes. Today’s 3 mile walk took me 73 minutes. My first fitness goal is to get my 3 mile walk time down to 53 minutes. I’ll keep working on that until I’m able to start a couch to 5k program on September 28th. 

So I’ve got about a month to cut my time down. Leaving me a month to get into the walk/run groove before my Halloween morning 5k. 

After I’m cleared for more vigorous workouts on the 28th, I also want to do two days of weight lifting in between the three days of running. They say the more muscle you can build, the less skin sagging there is. Muscle then replaces the gap between where the skin & fat used to sit. 

I lose weight in my face first and I can already see it creating these weird new dimples. I am nervous about my elephant ear arms and what my stomach area will look like as I lose weight. All things that will come in time. All things that can be solved in millions of ways. 

I am however ready to stop all this daydreaming/catastrophing due to so much free time. I’m happy to be going back to work Tuesday and happy to have rehearsal tomorrow. 

Today just reminded/proved to me that I am capable of some great things. I kind of needed that. 


Purée, hooray?

If you look up puréed food on Pinterest it gives you tons of baby food ideas. However, if you add in for adults, all of a sudden every suggestion is for an alcoholic beverage. 

I’m excited for my egg beaters in the morning. I’m just hoping to feel better. My drain was taken out yesterday.  

Besides it being the strangest feeling ever, it now let’s my right side heal. It’s the same pain as in running when you are exhaling and hitting your footfalls incorrectly. Just a side stich, nothing a little rest shouldn’t care of. If I could only obtain rest. 

There is no comfortable way of sleeping right now. I’m a stomach sleeper naturally so that’s been out for a week. With the drain in I could at least sleep on my left side. Right now my breath is too shallow and every position an inconvenience. 

All I can do is rest and continue on with the next stage of the healing diet. (Stage 2: puréed food) However anyone who knew me after my car accident and broken collarbone knows, I have a hard time resting. 

Actually anyone who knows me in general knows, I have a hard time being at rest. The ankle rehab lasted six weeks in March and I watched 157 different titles of TV & movies. So…I feel like I’ve watched everything on the Internet. I’ve given a few new series the three episode tries but nothing has stuck. I broke out the National Parks coloring book yesterday and it was nice but I needed to be more upright. 

I’m starting to feel lonely. Only because I’m limited and I don’t even know what to ask for in support. For most of those I casually hang out with (where by casually I mean make no plans but still managed to do something) it’s the busiest time of their year. I knew this going into surgery and I knew that I’d have very limited access to them. It just becomes hard when all you want is for them to sit and do nothing with you but they don’t have time to sit and do nothing. 

I know many will read this and be like I’d do nothing with you, Hollie. I know you would but I’d feel anxious if we hadn’t already gotten to that level of sitting comfortably in a quiet room together. So while I love you for being there, it would just stress me out. 

Tomorrow or well today, I hope to find a comfortable reading position and break into the book Chrissy sent me Rising Strong by Brene Brown. She is one of my favorite social scientists who gave a great TED talk on vulnerability. The tag line for the book is The manifesto for the brave and broken-hearted. It really means the world that Chrissy is the one who gave it to me. She’s seen me at my worst and cheers me on with each new success and adventure. So I’m hoping to find a comfortable position without using pain medication so I can fully dive into the book. 

This is all just another step in the process. I just hate that the process is so boring. 


First week post op

First week items:
– you will be scared. People who love you will be scared too. But when they hug you and kiss your forehead, it’s like a shield of armour. Let them know you love them too, no matter how cheesy it sounds. 

– the Harry Potter robe made for lots of hospital cheerleaders 

– load your iPod, don’t trust hospital wifi, bring a sleep mask 

– the two most annoying things from the hospital will be being woken up for your vitals and the IV drip alarm (especially when it gets to ignored angry volume) 

– if you have awesome hospital staff, let them know. Bailey, you were my homegirl!

– the worst part and I mean worst, is the swallow test. Your throat is dry, you can’t really talk, you’re still sore, they stand you up and give you this 6oz cup to drink….which I did and then I threw it straight up. Which made them give me more. 

– SinFree Sorbet is like heaven when you make it to stage 1 diet. 

– shitting yourself is going to happen. Be humble. Say thank you.

– if your hospital roomie doesn’t have the TV on…..keep your own at a god damn reasonable level and try and turn it off at night. TV was on from Wednesday to Friday non stop & loud.

– if a tech spills human waist on you, it’s ok to ask that the tech isn’t assigned to you anymore. Especially if they make you feel like a burden.

– Once you can poop regularly and not have liquid diarrhea you feel like the king of the world.

– I have 5 incision scars. The one I call the second belly button is the worst. It’s like wearing a button down shirt that is slightly too small for you and when you sit or lean forward you fear the button will pop. I took a photo of my scars, eventually I’ll post photos.

– dreaming of food is still a common occurrence. So far I’ve had a nightmare about pizza and soda and a lustful daydream for panera’s lemon orzo soup and a side of bread.

– isopure zero carb drinks were too high in sugar alcohols and made me rush to the bathroom 

– grocery shopping cost me $7

– finding items that are less than 3g  of sugar and 5g of fat is really hard. (But Edy’s slow churned sugar free chocolate ice cream is amazing and fits the rules)

– every thing is so sweet. I’ve had to cut my tea/lemonade mixture with water.

– an app to remind you to hydrate is fantastic. However it’d be awesome if you could snooze those reminders when you take a nap.

– I haven’t been taking my depression medicines because crushing up pills and putting them in pudding or protein drinks just doesn’t help it and it makes my tounge numb. 

– it took me a few days to get up to walking a mile. Once I did, I slept for two hours afterward

– I pin my drain to my shirt and rock it like a badge of honor. It just makes it not hurt as much as it would if I let it hang. 

– I feel like I have mastery skills when I strip my drain tube of gross stuff

– I was able to sing at rehearsal but laughing made my side hurt

– drinking a homemade protein drink that is only 8oz makes me so damn tired. Like thanksgiving food coma tired. 

– my cats have been adorable protectors. However, “no belly” has been shouted several times.

– so far each day it’s been I have too much energy to just lie in bed but not enough to actually do something 

– passing gas is the roulette of am I going to shit myself or not

– I stopped taking the pain killers 3 days from being released from the hospital.

– EC’s subway smelt so good the other night. I just wanted a bite. One on one food things are ok but I’ve been avoiding eating with groups.

– Thursday morning my drain will be taken out and I can eat puréed meats and mashed potatoes. I can’t express how happy that makes me feel and how grossed out I am at the same time.

– I will always love butterscotch pudding