There was a time when I was working in Washington D.C. that we went out to karaoke. To impress, I decided upon taking the karaoke jockeys challenge of Kamikaze Karaoke. The Hardest Part by Coldplay was picked randomly by the computer. I didn’t know the song, I just knew that Coldplay was a bit whiney sounding and that’s how I should sing it. SInce then it’s become a song that has stuck in my memory and right now is what is stuck in my head.
“And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part”
Today I have the appointment that concerns me the most, part one of the psych evaluation. When I am asked if I have any questions about the surgery, this is where all my question lie. All the questions I have are about emotions, feelings, identity, etc.
Last night I looked up Identity Development of Bariatric Surgery Patients because it was on my mind. I found this journal article
The Impact of Bariatric Surgery on Psychological Health
A high prevalence of psychological comorbidities exists in obese patients, particularly mood disorders, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Extremely obese individuals are almost 5 times more likely than their average weight counterparts to have suffered from a major depressive episode in the past year . The correlation between these two conditions is multifactorial. Body image dissatisfaction, commonly seen in obese patients, is heavily correlated with symptoms of depression , and this is particularly true in women, likely secondary to societal emphasis on the female physique. Obese individuals are also subjected to prejudice and discrimination, which is likely to cause or aggravate depression [7, 8].
Furthermore, repeated failed attempts to lose weight are common in this population and are likely to aggravate depressive illness, hopelessness, and poor self-esteem , perhaps contributing to further weight gain. Interestingly, 25–30% of bariatric patients report depressive symptoms at the time of surgery and up to 50% report a lifetime history of depression 
3.3. Postoperative Psychological Health
Despite significant measurement heterogeneity evaluating the impact of weight loss surgery on psychological change, numerous studies and comprehensive reviews have reported overall postoperative improvement in depressive symptoms, self-esteem, health-related quality of life, and body image [21–24].
3.4. Self-Concept and Personality
Self-concept refers to a patient’s perception of “self” and includes several important characteristics with respect to the bariatric population: self-esteem, body image, self-confidence, and sense of attractiveness, and assertiveness. Although these factors have not been studied in a standardized or systematic fashion, a review of the literature seems to suggest that weight loss surgery improves self-esteem, self-confidence, and expressiveness . These changes appear to be correlated with major improvements in body image and weight-loss satisfaction after surgery .
Emotions have always been my hardest struggle. Sometimes, I feel like it is what kills anything good that comes into my life. That I’m too emotional. So the struggle of honesty vs. saying what they want to hear is stuck in my mind. Honestly, I am scared that this will change my identity. I dress in mens clothes for the aesthetic but also because of my size. I’m the funny fat kid, because I needed to fit in. I am a character actress because I do not fit the mold of an ingenue. I don’t believe someone could love me because of my extreme low self-esteem. I don’t believe I deserve love because in my head I say “Who would want to be in love with all of this? Physically and emotionally.” Now, I try to fight these messages as hard as I can. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.